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My first (real) time 11-October-07

Posted by purpleist in Uncategorized.
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As I said in my first big post to this blog, I’m not here to be some sort of gay sex pervert, and I  won’t be regaling you with sordid affairs of my private past. However, in the interest of using this blog as a forum for my anonymous disclosure, I’d like to tell you a bit about my first (real) time with a guy.

Yeah, sure, growing up there was this and there was that, but my first real time was with “Trent” (no, not even close to his real name).

I found Trent on Craigslist, an endless bastion of anonymous, gay play for anyone wishing to be discreet with their sexuality. It’s basically a forum that requires you to A) be short and sweet about what you want, and B) make sure all pictures of you are shot between the neck and knees.

I found Trent’s ad on the “Casual Encounters” portion of this particular region’s Craigslist. I don’t remember what it was about the ad that made me contact him, other than the fact that he was near my age (he “claimed” to be 28) and he lived right down the road from me. We exchanged pictures and a few e-mails, and he agreed to come to my place for a bottle of wine.

I was a nervous mess the entire time leading up to his arrival. I didn’t know what to expect, other than it had a dick. Would he be respectful of my house? Would he think I was too “straight-acting” to take me seriously? Would he want to top me? Would he like the wine? Is my place clean enough? On the surface, it really was only a booty call, but I felt like it was so much more; this is a chance for me to see what it’s really all about.

When he showed up, I let him right in, and I did not stop talking for 20 minutes. I was nervous as fuck. You know how, like, in the movies, where someone will be all flustered and talk really fast, say something stupid, and then spend the next five minutes talking a bit faster, apologizing a lot, and end up doing nothing but digging the awkward social hole just a bit deeper? That was me. But after the wine was poured it became a bit easier.

We talked about music, we talked about politics, we talked about the area we lived in, we talked about work, we talked about everything. We really got along. However, in the deep recesses of my mind, I knew that all this talk was trivial; I didn’t necessarily “want” him, let alone need him. I did, however, know that this whole arranged meeting was for sex. I needed this sex, hoping it would answer any questions at all about who I am.

At one point – about an hour or so after he came over – we were watching music videos on the computer, when I needed to pull the trigger. This sex was going to happen, one way or the other. While he was talking, I grabbed his jeans, turned him toward me, and unbuttoned his pants…

Afterwards, it was the most uncomfortable goodbye I had ever experienced. I didn’t know what to say to Trent as he cleaned off, got dressed, and left, so I ended up resorting to babbling-retard from earlier in the night. Someday I’ll tell you what happened between Trent and I, because I’ll never forget it. Along those lines, I will also never forget how many answers that experience provided for me:

Absolutely zero.

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Comments»

1. keltic - 15-October-07

I have several thoughts about your experience here. One is that perhaps Trent felt as awkward as you did. Maybe both of you are exploring something new, and while the good-bye was strange and you feel that you learned nothing about yourself, I’d be careful where you assign the blame for that. There were 2 people there….
sex without love, or sex without friendship, or sex without mutual admiration, is very often flat, cold and unfeeling. You didn’t have a chance to explore your attraction to him, or to any man really. I remember some of my early explorations. The sex was ok, but when I fell in love with a man, that’s when I knew that I was gay. this one person was everything I wanted in a man, in a partner, and in a relationship. plus, the sex is great 😉


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